Showing posts with label Reflecting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reflecting. Show all posts
Friday, April 4, 2008
I'm on the run...
But I'm popping in to give a special should out to two amazing ladies that I know Jenn and Healthy Ashley who have showed tremendous support in my relay for life efforts. With their help, I have hit a 100% of my fundraising goals! Sometimes having support along the way makes all the difference ;) I <3 you my fellow weight watchen support giving bloggers!
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Success makes success...the first baby steps are so HARD!
Edit: I didn't intend for this post to be this long or this reflective or this anything but it is. In fact I'm not even reading over what I wrote...I'm just posting it straight from the proverbial horse's mouth...so whats there is probably a hosh posh of things going on in my head. I know you'd like to get in there and visit but you'd likely get lost, very lost. So read at your own risk, you've been warned!
Back when we started dating, the BF would constantly compliment me on a witty comment, on if I looked nice that day etc etc and my response would always be a shrug or a "stttooop" or a "oh, if you say so" lukewarm response. And I remember we were watching a movie one day and he turns around, looks at me and goes, you have the most beautiful eyes of any person I've ever known. And I go, OH OK-ay! And he just stopped me right there and asked me why I did that to myself. He goes "You know the things I say to you, I don't have to say to you. I say them because I truly mean them and I want you to know that its what I'm thinking." This completely threw me off. I mean, I didn't even realize I was doing it! Never before had a guy confronted me, challenged me on what I did and challenged me to change...because they cared.
I was thinking back to this incident last night as I was laying in bed. I had just gotten off the phone with the BF and had said the "I love you's" and the good nights. But I realized last night that maybe, I truly, finally was getting a hang of this love thing. Of course, the longer I'm in a relationship with the man, the more I realize how much I love him and how much I didn't know about love but I thought that last night, I finally got it. The man taught me how to love peacefully, without the drama by just doing it. He accepted me as I was; challenged me on things that he thought I should change but always in a manner of partnership -- unlike my past relationship where it was a change for the external, the BF has challenged me to change for the right reasons...because he wants to see me happier.
Now, getting to the point of where all this bed time reflection is going is that I have learned to love other people because of the way that I have learned to love myself. I'm not saying that I love everything that I do or that I even accept everything that I do but I take things at face value more. I'm less of a defeatist and I do believe that I too am capable; that I do have something to offer. I know that this is something that is really easy for most people but it's really hard for me. Since August 2007, I pretty much hit what I believe to be rock bottom so far in my life. My grades in school were down, my weight was at an all time high, I applied to medical school (which I've been working towards for literally 5 years) and I didn't do as well in the application cycle as I thought I would (or as anyone thought I would for that matter!), I started questioning my motivations in following a career pathway, my job sucked everyday that I was there and everything was spiraling out of control. I have a little bit more clarity now but at the time of, it just felt like one thing led to another in an endless spiral of self defeat and so many things had spun out of control that I didn't know where to begin in taking control. And so I just wallowed...everyday, in what had already passed and it all led to one thing: a constant chatter in my head that relived my failures, that told me I wasn't capable of anything. It came to the point where I even started questioning my capability to dress well or even talk to people and socialize well...I completely let myself go.
But things are changing now. Things are still out of my control...I'm still playing the endless waiting game on where the job search will take me; whether I should take up an offer at a medical school that I believe is below the level of medical schools that I am capable of getting into etc. etc. But one thing has changed. I decided to take control of one thing and that was my weight. There were tons of things that I needed to take control of in my life, that needed fixing and I'm working on those...with the energy that I get from taking control of my weight. Success builds upon itself...motivation builds upon motivation and the first steps in the journey are usually the hardest. After the first few steps, you can feed off the first steps to continue the journey. I'm learning not to wallow anymore, I'm learning not to look at the half empty side. I'm learning that I am capable and that loving myself has really helped me to get motivated to lose weight. Yes, its hard and yes it takes time, but I can only control one thing at a time and this time, I'm choosing weight loss! I'm choosing everyday to do something good for myself because I AM CAPABLE. So if anyone out there is reading this and wondering if they can lose weight...just do it; just take the first few steps. The first 20 days lets say and the rest will build upon itself. It's liberating in some ways to take control of something.
I know its been said before but sometimes you can hear the words all you want and the meaning is never clear until one day you just have an AH-HA! moment. "You have to love yourself to love other people." I never believed it; I always thought it was cliche but its starting to make a little bit more sense now. You know yourself best and if you can't learn to motivate that self or forgive that self...how will you have anything left in you to motivate others, to forgive others and to do good for others. Yes, we are kinder to the world all the time over ourselves but that stream of goodness is going to run out or its superficial. If you have to get down to the base level and really make a difference in someone else's life, you gotta have the energy to wake up in the morning and believe that your life is great to begin with. If we can't really do this, then anything else we do to motivate others or empower others is really just superficial effort isn't it? Are we really believing in it?
I guess what I'm trying to say (though I'm not sure I'm being very clear) is that I love the fella for loving me...for loving peacefully. And I'm learning to love myself which in turn is the only reason that I can motivate myself to lose weight. It's not for the world, its not for the external, its because taking control empowers me and it helps me believe that I can succeed. And in turn, loving myself means that I have more energy, more patience and more to give to the world around me.
I dig the fella. As a matter of fact, I'm about to call him right now ;) Ciao.
Back when we started dating, the BF would constantly compliment me on a witty comment, on if I looked nice that day etc etc and my response would always be a shrug or a "stttooop" or a "oh, if you say so" lukewarm response. And I remember we were watching a movie one day and he turns around, looks at me and goes, you have the most beautiful eyes of any person I've ever known. And I go, OH OK-ay! And he just stopped me right there and asked me why I did that to myself. He goes "You know the things I say to you, I don't have to say to you. I say them because I truly mean them and I want you to know that its what I'm thinking." This completely threw me off. I mean, I didn't even realize I was doing it! Never before had a guy confronted me, challenged me on what I did and challenged me to change...because they cared.
I was thinking back to this incident last night as I was laying in bed. I had just gotten off the phone with the BF and had said the "I love you's" and the good nights. But I realized last night that maybe, I truly, finally was getting a hang of this love thing. Of course, the longer I'm in a relationship with the man, the more I realize how much I love him and how much I didn't know about love but I thought that last night, I finally got it. The man taught me how to love peacefully, without the drama by just doing it. He accepted me as I was; challenged me on things that he thought I should change but always in a manner of partnership -- unlike my past relationship where it was a change for the external, the BF has challenged me to change for the right reasons...because he wants to see me happier.
Now, getting to the point of where all this bed time reflection is going is that I have learned to love other people because of the way that I have learned to love myself. I'm not saying that I love everything that I do or that I even accept everything that I do but I take things at face value more. I'm less of a defeatist and I do believe that I too am capable; that I do have something to offer. I know that this is something that is really easy for most people but it's really hard for me. Since August 2007, I pretty much hit what I believe to be rock bottom so far in my life. My grades in school were down, my weight was at an all time high, I applied to medical school (which I've been working towards for literally 5 years) and I didn't do as well in the application cycle as I thought I would (or as anyone thought I would for that matter!), I started questioning my motivations in following a career pathway, my job sucked everyday that I was there and everything was spiraling out of control. I have a little bit more clarity now but at the time of, it just felt like one thing led to another in an endless spiral of self defeat and so many things had spun out of control that I didn't know where to begin in taking control. And so I just wallowed...everyday, in what had already passed and it all led to one thing: a constant chatter in my head that relived my failures, that told me I wasn't capable of anything. It came to the point where I even started questioning my capability to dress well or even talk to people and socialize well...I completely let myself go.
But things are changing now. Things are still out of my control...I'm still playing the endless waiting game on where the job search will take me; whether I should take up an offer at a medical school that I believe is below the level of medical schools that I am capable of getting into etc. etc. But one thing has changed. I decided to take control of one thing and that was my weight. There were tons of things that I needed to take control of in my life, that needed fixing and I'm working on those...with the energy that I get from taking control of my weight. Success builds upon itself...motivation builds upon motivation and the first steps in the journey are usually the hardest. After the first few steps, you can feed off the first steps to continue the journey. I'm learning not to wallow anymore, I'm learning not to look at the half empty side. I'm learning that I am capable and that loving myself has really helped me to get motivated to lose weight. Yes, its hard and yes it takes time, but I can only control one thing at a time and this time, I'm choosing weight loss! I'm choosing everyday to do something good for myself because I AM CAPABLE. So if anyone out there is reading this and wondering if they can lose weight...just do it; just take the first few steps. The first 20 days lets say and the rest will build upon itself. It's liberating in some ways to take control of something.
I know its been said before but sometimes you can hear the words all you want and the meaning is never clear until one day you just have an AH-HA! moment. "You have to love yourself to love other people." I never believed it; I always thought it was cliche but its starting to make a little bit more sense now. You know yourself best and if you can't learn to motivate that self or forgive that self...how will you have anything left in you to motivate others, to forgive others and to do good for others. Yes, we are kinder to the world all the time over ourselves but that stream of goodness is going to run out or its superficial. If you have to get down to the base level and really make a difference in someone else's life, you gotta have the energy to wake up in the morning and believe that your life is great to begin with. If we can't really do this, then anything else we do to motivate others or empower others is really just superficial effort isn't it? Are we really believing in it?
I guess what I'm trying to say (though I'm not sure I'm being very clear) is that I love the fella for loving me...for loving peacefully. And I'm learning to love myself which in turn is the only reason that I can motivate myself to lose weight. It's not for the world, its not for the external, its because taking control empowers me and it helps me believe that I can succeed. And in turn, loving myself means that I have more energy, more patience and more to give to the world around me.
I dig the fella. As a matter of fact, I'm about to call him right now ;) Ciao.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Give me one moment in time...
Whitney Houston is stuck in my head, its raining outside, I'm eating a bowl of (you guess it)...oatmeal and I'm thinking thats its been a whole month since I joined WW.
Pros:
1. I'm learning to ditch the all or nothing attitude and believe me, I never thought that I would be able to. Blowing one day doesn't amount to blowing a month.
2. For the first time in a long time, I feel in control. Sure I slip up (you guys know that!) but I'm learning to look myself straight in the mirror. Face it, Accept it, Defeat it. The hardest step is the first step; facing it.
3. I've learned a lot from the blogging community! Thanks you guys :)
4. Special shout out to Dottie and DWLZ...she keeps me sane
5. I've realized that logically as a student and as someone whose social life is made up of people in their 20s, food and eating out and drinks are a major part of any social gathering. Most people don't have time to cook and even lesser time to plan. I can't realistically cut myself from eating out ever but I've seriously learned how to make little substitutions to get big results. Who knew self control was a virtue I had?
6. I took a peak at the scale today and it showed 190.6. Maybe I can hit 180's by March 1st.
7. I'm loving the 80 degree weather out today...not so much the 45 degrees its supposed to be tomm. Damn Texas, so fickle!
8. I lost a total of 3.6 lbs this month!
Cons:
1. I had more than a few splurges this month. Yes, I was learning and I was patient with myself but I have got to learn to follow the plan to a T...splurges have to be just this. Splurges.
2. It was a really hard month for me in my personal life: work was bad, graduation is upcoming and I'm still jobless/graduate school less, the BF left and is moving to NY.
3. I only lost 3.6 lbs this week. I definitely could have done better if I hadn't been so splurgy this month but honestly, I learned from it. More, probably, than staying on plan everyday would have taught me. I don't want to be that girl thats so hard on myself that the minute I see a piece of bread or a french Fri I eat the whole place down.
I'm sure theres more to add to both lists but so far so good.
On other news:
1. The BF was in town this weekend; we splurged on food and drinks and time; went to bed early, woke up late and just relaxed.
2. Went to studio movie grill and vantage point on Saturday night...I highly recommend the movie; I thought it was pretty great but I always sorta like government conspiracy movies so go watch it if you are into that sort of thing.
3. Got one workout in, not 2 but one.
4. I miss the BF whose moving to NY city on Thursday. I'll still be in Dallas :(
5. I have a huge presentation and test tomorrow. Boo.
You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true. - Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy.
Pros:
1. I'm learning to ditch the all or nothing attitude and believe me, I never thought that I would be able to. Blowing one day doesn't amount to blowing a month.
2. For the first time in a long time, I feel in control. Sure I slip up (you guys know that!) but I'm learning to look myself straight in the mirror. Face it, Accept it, Defeat it. The hardest step is the first step; facing it.
3. I've learned a lot from the blogging community! Thanks you guys :)
4. Special shout out to Dottie and DWLZ...she keeps me sane
5. I've realized that logically as a student and as someone whose social life is made up of people in their 20s, food and eating out and drinks are a major part of any social gathering. Most people don't have time to cook and even lesser time to plan. I can't realistically cut myself from eating out ever but I've seriously learned how to make little substitutions to get big results. Who knew self control was a virtue I had?
6. I took a peak at the scale today and it showed 190.6. Maybe I can hit 180's by March 1st.
7. I'm loving the 80 degree weather out today...not so much the 45 degrees its supposed to be tomm. Damn Texas, so fickle!
8. I lost a total of 3.6 lbs this month!
Cons:
1. I had more than a few splurges this month. Yes, I was learning and I was patient with myself but I have got to learn to follow the plan to a T...splurges have to be just this. Splurges.
2. It was a really hard month for me in my personal life: work was bad, graduation is upcoming and I'm still jobless/graduate school less, the BF left and is moving to NY.
3. I only lost 3.6 lbs this week. I definitely could have done better if I hadn't been so splurgy this month but honestly, I learned from it. More, probably, than staying on plan everyday would have taught me. I don't want to be that girl thats so hard on myself that the minute I see a piece of bread or a french Fri I eat the whole place down.
I'm sure theres more to add to both lists but so far so good.
On other news:
1. The BF was in town this weekend; we splurged on food and drinks and time; went to bed early, woke up late and just relaxed.
2. Went to studio movie grill and vantage point on Saturday night...I highly recommend the movie; I thought it was pretty great but I always sorta like government conspiracy movies so go watch it if you are into that sort of thing.
3. Got one workout in, not 2 but one.
4. I miss the BF whose moving to NY city on Thursday. I'll still be in Dallas :(
5. I have a huge presentation and test tomorrow. Boo.
You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true. - Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Day 12: Reflective day
I had a very reflective sort of day today because I started the day sorta down: the weather was crappy, I was low energy and I was swamped. And what do I do when I feel bad about myself? Get comfort food. But I chose each moment to do something good for myself instead...it was hard, it was really hard but with each choice that we make that is towards something good, it empowers us. Every good choice empowers us--but ONLY if we learn to celebrate the small successes. If we end up beating ourselves up for even thinking of being tempted, we may never succeed! Success builds on success...I'm no expert; It was HARD all ady and I did succumb once or twice but at least for every 5 times I wanted to throw my day away, I chose not to 4 times. I would NOT have done that 12 days ago!!! So tell me, what have you done for yourself in the past 24 hours that has empowered you? Do you beat yourself up even if you make a good choice just for possibly flirting with the idea of temptation or do you celebrate your small victories?? Here's to building baby steps towards a marathon!
NO gym today...I was so exhausted. Well mebbe thats an excuse, I really shouldve/couldve dragged myself to the gym but that 2 hour nap instead was really really helpful so maybe extra hard work out tomorrow? I have 10 APS for the week. I was aiming for 25...Can I do it? Probably 20...but 25? hmm, we'll see
The menu is below:
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
NO gym today...I was so exhausted. Well mebbe thats an excuse, I really shouldve/couldve dragged myself to the gym but that 2 hour nap instead was really really helpful so maybe extra hard work out tomorrow? I have 10 APS for the week. I was aiming for 25...Can I do it? Probably 20...but 25? hmm, we'll see
The menu is below:
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
| Morning | |||||||
| Special K protein water - Quick-added food | 0 | ||||||
| 1 bar Blueberry | 2 | ||||||
| Subtotal | 2 | ||||||
| Midday | |||||||
| 1/3 cup Alfredo Sauce | 7 | ||||||
| 2 item soft breadstick | 4 | ||||||
| 1/4 item Grilled Cheese | 1.5 | ||||||
| 1 Salad | 1 | ||||||
| Subtotal | 13.5 | ||||||
| Evening | |||||||
| 1 large potato(es), baked | 3 | ||||||
| 1 cup cooked instant oatmeal | 2 | ||||||
| Subtotal | 5 | ||||||
| Snacks | |||||||
| 14 items potato chips | 4 | ||||||
| Subtotal | 4 | ||||||
| Food POINTS values total used | 24.5 | ||||||
| Food POINTS values remaining | 0 | ||||||
| Activity | |||||||
| No entries for activity. | |||||||
| Activity POINTS values earned | 0 | ||||||
| Check off these important items daily: | |||||||
| |||||||
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
