Pity party for one...wanna join?

I feel empty. No, let me restate that again. I feel disgustingly full, filthy and emotionally empty. Its that feeling that you have after you've drowned yourself in unhealthy food (pizza hut breadsticks, subway and soda to be exact). You know what I'm talking about right? That feeling you have after you've sat around for hours believing the little voice that says you shouldn't try because you don't ever know what its like to be thin anyway.

I mean, it starts out as a small indulgence and a little bit of laziness and before you know it, you are a fullblown failure. Just because you didn't eat right, it fuels your motivation to lay on the couch all day surrounded by empty fast food containers and watching law and order reruns on TV. A few hours later, I've convinced myself that this is the way its always going to be...that because I ate badly today somehow means that I will never be successful at anything...not eating salads, not losing weight, not having a job, kids, a family...heck not even capable of showering in the mornings.

When did it become like this?! When did eating three pizza hut breadsticks lead to a total self questioning of all my abilities in every faction of my life? The mind is a crazy thing and if you allow it to feed on your emotional insecurities, it'll take it and RUN! and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being fat, of wallowing in my own self pity and more than that, I'm tired of thinking that because I'm fat, I'm not capable of doing other things in my life. Can you believe it...I was thinking about visiting one of my friends in New York that I haven't seen for about 6 years and I actually thought to myself...I should wait until I'm at goal weight. What if he judges me by that. Oh. my. god. I'm going to visit him. If he doesnt want to meet up with me because I'm fat, dear god, what business do I have visiting someone like that. Can you believe that I actually thought that to myself? I didn't even realize it until I started typing...Say it with me people. "I am NOT defined by my weight. I am NOT..." Yes, weight loss is a big part of my day and a big part of what I think about everyday. Yes, its something that I should be working at everyday but it's most definitely the only thing that defines me. I am capable of the same thoughts, feelings, analytical skills and brains as I always have been -- with or without the fat.

I'm glad that I took the time to write this all out. Somehow seeing it in black and white makes it feel more real...more cyclic, more defeat-able. In my head, it drowns me and holds me captive to thinking that its true. When I started the WW journey, I knew it would be hard but I always thought it would be because I wouldn't be able to resist that dinner roll or this cookie. And believe me, its hard in that way too...note breadsticks that were calling my name today. But its become so much more than just a physical fight with food. I'm confronting demons I didn't know I had. I didn't know how low I had let my self esteem sink. No more. I'm tired of blaming the fat, I'm tired of hiding behind it, I'm tired of feeling powerless. Maybe I can't control some of the other things that are happening in my life but I better start with what I can control and clamping my mouth over a breadstick or a slice of pizza is most certainly something I can control!!!
Hurrah!! with that new burst of energy, I'm off to finish up a paper for a deadline tomm that I've been putting off all day!